Your thirties can be a time for so many beginnings: you may have progressed in your career, decided to return to studies, or started a family. It can also signify endings, and for a surprising number of people in this category, divorce can factor in, upending all those carefully made plans.
Life after divorce generally involves a re-shaping of the life you thought you would have into something different and hopefully a lot better than before. Keeping this goal in mind offers a focal point at what can be an emotionally turbulent period, and in the meantime, using some tips to help you navigate things with more ease.
Handling the Logistics
Divorce can be a notoriously complicated, often expensive process. Between filing papers with the court to qualifying for alimony, the list of tasks might seem endless, but it’s important not to try and manage things alone.
Putting together a support team of individuals and professionals to help you manage the legal and financial side of things is vital. If you are experiencing domestic abuse, getting support is also essential to ensure you and any children you have can make a safe exit.
If Children Are in the Picture
If you have kids, setting up a co-parenting plan early on can help reduce the likelihood of arguments over who will take care of them and when. This may look like setting schedules for time spent with each parent, establishing clear boundaries around behavior that applies whether they are with mom or dad, and how to discuss with them about what they are experiencing.
Try to set a positive example for your children by communicating respectfully and keeping the focus on them, rather than who “wins” between you and your ex-spouse. Divorce can be incredibly difficult for children to process, so make sure they are getting the emotional support they need at this time.
Feeling Like the “Odd One Out”
It can be especially difficult to go through a divorce at a time when many of your peers are happily married, but remember that you are not alone. While we might typically associate divorce with people who are middle-aged and older, the average age of a person going through a first divorce in the United States is actually 30 years of age.
Dealing with shared friends and family members can sometimes be complicated, especially if one person decides to “side” with a particular spouse, so try also to seek community outside of your immediate social group. Joining a divorce support group, volunteering, or taking classes might seem like a lot to handle right now, but all of these can help reduce feelings of loneliness.
Work Through Your Emotions
Whatever you might be feeling right now: be it anger, betrayal, sadness, or even not very much at all, it’s all valid. You may even feel confusion or a sense of denial about what is happening, which is also perfectly normal. The important thing here is to practice acceptance.
Events like a divorce can bring about a sense of feeling out of control, or trepidation about what the future might bring. Assessing what you can take care of, what you cannot control, and where you can get support (including speaking with a licensed therapist) can offer some relief and a sense of empowerment.
